Last Friday, I was supposed to be in two places at the same time. Months ago, I’d promised a friend that I would attend her event, the second annual Storytellers for Good Fundraiser.  Weeks after that, I promised a guy I’d met through the After Work Tennis Club that I would attend his house party.  I didn’t realize the conflict until a few days before.

(I may be the only one in the state who feels this way, but I think “flaking,” or “bailing” at the last minute is extremely rude, particularly when the event in question is one that obviously involves a fair amount of work, or means a lot to the person hosting.)

Located on opposite sides of the city in non-parking friendly neighborhoods, I would have to twist myself in knots to make it to both.  I was already exhausted and reeling from a stressful week at work, but I was determined to show up.

At the fundraiser, I met a woman.  She was blond, petite, friendly.  We hit it off easily and she told me that she had just adopted a dog named Chloe.  Despite the fact that Chloe was displaying severe symptoms of abuse and seemed to be making her life hell, it became instantly clear that she really loved this dog.

Like any devoted parent, she pulled out pictures to show me.  Chloe was indeed adorable.  I love animals, but I asked her if she minded the huge sacrifices.  She said:

“You know taking care of Chloe has really changed my life. I can’t really go out anymore, and since I can’t leave her alone and can’t always afford doggie day care, she has to be either at my apartment in San Francisco or my parents house in Menlo Park. I spend a lot of time driving between the two places, and I’ve also had to hire a trainer for her.“

Thinking about the other party, I thought about making a run for it.  I nodded my head, listening, but I also stood up and started putting my coat on.

“Earlier this year, I was about to turn 35…”

I noticed then that something strange was happening with her eyes.  I sat back down.

She didn’t finish the sentence, but after a long pause, only said simply:  “I really feel like she has rescued me.”

There’s a story there, I know it.  I hope to hear it someday.  But I already know what it is.  So many of us are hiding.  Hiding in plain sight. At the AWTC party, I ran into a male friend and we had a conversation whose tone is strikingly similar.  He’s almost stoic, but again, there’s something there.  A sadness, and maybe even a sense of resignation.

Chris Rock, one of the few comedians out there who can make me laugh and yet hate myself at the same time, says there are two states of being: Chris says that you’re either MARRIED AND BORED, or SINGLE AND LONELY.

Can you guess the most popular search terms people are using daily to find this blog?

“Single in San Francisco”
“Best Places to Meet Girls in San Francisco”
“Best Places to Meet Guys in San Francisco”
“Single in [Name that City!]“

Despite what the statistics and your own eyes might be telling you, San Francisco is a city of lonely hearts.

Believe me, I get it.  I’ve been there.  I might be there again tomorrow.  But today it’s time for a little tough love.

I’m sure you’ve all heard this before, but the reality is that you’re not going to find Prince or Princess Charming in the comfort of your own apartment.

First, you’re going to need to put “The Rabbit” down, give your hand a rest and get out there and start talking to people.

Oh no she DIDN'T!

Second, you’re going to have to step away from the computer. Admit it.  Aren’t you just a little frustrated with online dating?

She's got to be in here SOMEWHERE!

Third, you’re going to have to break up with your couch. Believe me, I get it.  It’s comfortable and it won’t reject you.  Unlike many things in San Francisco, it’s inexpensive. It also doesn’t require you to venture out in the middle of the spate of torrential downpours we’ve been having or into chilly and foggy weather at night.

You don’t want to brave the gang wars in the Mission or deal with beer pong and puke in the Marina. It welcomes you home on a Friday after a long, stressful, and exhausting week at work with no judgments.  You don’t have to shave, wax, or wear heels.  You don’t have to work-out, get rid of the belly, or come to terms with that receding hairline situation.  It allows you to postpone dealing with the sinking feeling that you’re not happy and don’t know how to fix it. You don’t think you’re quite ready for Zoloft, and suicide seems selfish, messy and a little over the top.

But do I HAVE TO?

Ultimately, it’s still a one-sided relationship.  You can’t make out with the couch. The couch can’t hug you back when you’re faced with the death of someone you really cared about.  It doesn’t know how to comfort you when you’ve received bad news at work and you’re feeling shitty.  You can’t consult the couch for advice on your fears about your ageing parents who live on the other side of the country.  You can’t take the couch with you on vacation.  Anyone who is honest will tell you that online dating is the pits.  Your “Urban Tribe“ and your therapist can only do so much.

Inherently you know this.

What can you do?  Laugh about it?  Cry about it? Pray about it? Drink it out?  (Yes, I’ve tried them all.)  I suppose you could just opt out. I’m no Ann Landers, and certainly no sexpert.  But I’ve resolved to do my part to help.  Chin up SF lonely hearts.  Going forward, on a weekly basis, I’ll try to post upcoming events that sound interesting, or  I’ll mention those that I’ve attended, or places or organizations that I’ve heard about that may be worth checking out. I’ve done it sporadically in the past, but mostly as an afterthought to some story I wanted to tell.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that this will help you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right.  It might, however, be just the ticket for adding a little happiness boost to your life before that elusive Mr. or Mrs. happens along.

Last fall, I was approached over email by a local blogger.  He was also writing a blog on being single in the city, and he sent me the following email (I’ve taken out his name and blog address for the sake of his privacy):

Hello single girl,

My next post on my blog [__] was going to be
my thoughts on reading blogs by women who are single in SF and trying
to figure out where the disconnect is. Surely we are all hanging out
at the same bars and events but somehow manage to always miss each
other, right?

Anyways, I have not read your entire blog, but I will try to do so in
time. There are about 2 or 3 other blogs that I also have to read so
that could take some time. What I wanted to know is where do you go to
find single men? In my current experiment, I’ve tried online, events
that are based on my interests so I at least start with someone who
has common interests, bars, bars and more bars, and hanging at places
I don’t normally do like a cafe. The single woman I’m looking for is
elusive and no where to be found.

I don’t think anyone in this world is normal, but I don’t think I’m
too far off the bell curve either (I think all the ex’s would
disagree.) I think for me the main problem is that I have two circles
of friends. There’s all my single friends that are guys and then there
are my closer friends who have all found their partners by now. I had
my fair share of partners (this is the longest I’ve been single since
being an adult; almost 11 months,) over the course of time while all
these friends found theirs, but my relationships always ended. Now
they are all domesticated and I’m out there on my own.

The other previously mentioned circle is entirely the opposite. It’s a
bunch of Marina types going out there and refusing to grow up. One of
my best friends merely exists in a never ending string of one night
stands and FWB while drinking constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I like
drinking and sex too, but I more like it if some exciting adventurous
night also ended up turning into a more meaningful relationship.

So what is your approach? I feel like there aren’t decent girls out
there and it seems as if possibly you and some of your readers think
there aren’t any guys out there. How do we bridge this gap?

I still feel guilty about my response.  I said I was busy and I would get back to him.   And then I never got back to him.

Truth be told, I was a little suspicious of his motives.  I was also busy professionally and not juggling things well.  But every week I’m reminded that there are loads of people in this city, male and female, single and married, who are looking for a connection.  Life is good here. Better, we know, than in a lot of other places in the country.  We don’t want to move.  We love our city. So do the hordes of tourists that one finds here any time of the year.  Haters can exit stage right.  But something is still missing, isn’t it?

We need to get it together San Francisco.

May I suggest a first step?

WHAT?  The State of Sex and Dating in SF

WHO?  Ethan Watters, Author, Urban Tribes; Co-founder, San Francisco Writer’s Grotto; Sasha Cagen, Author, Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics; Essayist; Founder and Publisher, To-Do List Magazine; Nicole Daedone, Founder, OneTaste; Author, Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm; N. W. Smith, Contributor, The Bold Italic; Author, Dateline; Violet Blue, Blogger, Sex Educator, Sex Columnist – Moderator

WHEN?  TODAY!  Thursday, March 31 · 6:30pm - 9:00pm

WHERE: The Commonwealth Club 595 Market St. 2nd Floor, SF

MORE INFO: …Love is a many-splendored thing. It can also be a pretty complicated thing – especially now, what with vegan-only dating sites, burgeoning three-person relationships and new niche dating markets sprouting up daily. And San Francisco’s sex life can be even more confusing than most. That’s why we’re bringing you a group of modern love gurus to guide you through the state of sex in the city. Learn how to get a date in the polyamorous age, hear why single doesn’t suck, and find out what “slow sex” really means.  After we talk about dating, let’s get our socializing on with an After-Party at Eve! 575 Howard St., SF

Cost: $12 members, $20 non-members, $7 students (with valid ID). DIRECT LINK TO PURCHASE TIX: http://bit.ly/SexinSF

Other References:
The After Work Tennis Club, is a weekly gathering of singles who love tennis.  During the season, which runs roughly from April through September, the group gathers in Golden Gate Park to play tennis (doubles), followed by dinner.  As a member, you volunteer to either host and cook one dinner in your home, or to help clean up after a dinner.  Everything is done in teams.  You’re never alone. I hosted 30+ people in my home for one of the dinners last year.  As I’ve never cooked for that many people in my life, it was both a terrifying and exhilarating experience.  Thank God for chili. AWTC is now accepting new members for the 2011 season.  There is a membership fee, an application, and space is limited…   http://www.awtcsf.com/home